Possible Responses to Odd-Numbered Examples
3. Being Criticized

• Your Feelings and Needs:
  Here's how I've felt when this has happened to me:
  Feelings: Shocked, Angry, Hurt, Devastated, Helpless, Baffled, Worried
  Needs (Formal): Understanding, Connection, Caring, Respect
  
  Needs in Everyday Language: Wanting to be cared for and understood,
  Wanting to know that I can communicate in ways that create caring and connection with other people
  
  
• Guesses - Your Partner's Feelings and Needs
  Here's what I would guess might be going on in your partner:
  Feelings: Anxious, Frustrated, Hurt, Angry
  Needs (Formal): Understanding, Connection, Appreciation, Caring, Respect, Freedom, Predictability, Ease, Pleasure
  
  Needs in Everyday Language: Wanting to be cared for and understood,
  Wanting to know that they can feel free to choose to do what they enjoy and that they'll still be cared for and appreciated
  
  
• Guess - What I Could Say to Help Us Connect
  
  • If I'm still feeling angry, often the most helpful thing I can do in the moment is not to say anything.
    But then it's important for me to get enough compassion (either from myself or a friend) that I transform the anger and connect with my underlying feelings of sadness, and my desire to connect with my partner.
    Then to find a way to meet my needs, ideally by creating mutual compassionate understanding with my partner. That's what will help us build and maintain a strong and satisfying relationship.
    
    
  • If my heart is connected to my desire to connect with my partner, I might try offering an empathic guess about their needs:
    "I'm guessing you'd like me to focus on what's working well around here, rather than on what I'd like to be different?"
    Note: This one response alone is not likely to immediately shift the tone of the whole conversation to one of compassionate connection and understanding!
    Now that you're showing them that you're trying to hear what's true for them, there's probably a number of other things they'd like you to hear. We'll talk about how you might handle this in an upcoming example.
    
    

1. Perfectionism

• One Set of Guesses at Your Colleague's Feelings & Needs:
  Feelings: Frustrated, Irritated, Weary, Bored/Uninterested
  Needs: Ease, Effectiveness
  
  Formal Way of Expressing Some of These Guesses:
  When you hear me suggest this task,
  do you feel frustrated
  because you need ease and effectiveness?
  
  A Possible Natural Language Way of Making These Guesses:
  Are you feeling concerned about including that task
  because you want us to use our time effectively on this project?
  
  
• Another Set of Guesses at Your Colleague's Feelings & Needs:
  Feelings: Amazed, excited, appreciative, intrigued, inspired
  Needs: Clarity, effectiveness, integrity, learning
  
  Formal Way of Expressing Some of These Guesses:
  When you hear me suggest this task,
  are you feeling intrigued and excited
  because you appreciate effectiveness and learning?
  
  A Possible Natural Language Way of Making These Guesses:
  Are you feeling excited about including this task
  because you want us to do a really top-quality job on this project?
  
  

What to see more examples?
Go to Self-Study - Learn by Example

Questions?
Email connect [at] compassionatehonesty.com - be sure to include the item number!
We'll try to add clarifying material to this website and let you know when that's been done.

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